jill's journal

grad party name: unexcused absence for the rest of my life

2007-05-09T01:17:46Z

note to self: my car also hates bumblebees.
i got home yesterday, parked, rolled up the windows, and ta-dah. one was stuck and crushed by one of the windows in the back.
the skipper ultimately rejects nature.

finals yesterday were a stupid waste of time.

the final today were nearly as bad.

and that's the end of high school as we know it.

thank you jesus.

yesterday when I got home, i was just hanging around being bored, so i decided to go for a walk.
i went on the would-be trails that we made all around the fields on our property. i took the dog. he loves it so much. he smiles. it's the coolest thing. the paths hadn't been mowed since long before it started snowing so they were as grown in as the rest of the field so when i chased the dog up the first hill i had all those little pinprick looking spots around my ankles from the grass. i also received the first scratch of summer, from a stick, not a snake...it was an intensely contemplative walk. i love being out there. there was just enough of a consistent breeze that when you looked at the fields, the grass rippled like some vast body of water. it's wonderful. i love finding the places where you can stand and look all around you, but not see any houses, not the street, not the telephone wires, or anything. you feel completely alone, but not lonely. it's a comforting solitude. it makes you want to yell at the top of your lungs like no one can hear you. the only thing that could make it better would be if they really couldn't hear you.
but they can.
i've tried.
as we trotted along, i started thinking about next year. all that came to mind was: what the hell am i thinking? im a freaking little kid from howell michigan. what the hell am i going to do there? here i am relishing in acres of sweet openness and im living in ann arbor next year? wtf? i've spent most of the time i've lived here just wanting to be closer to civilization, but now i wonder how claustrophobic im going to feel in a dorm. i mean, freaking subdivisions make me feel awkward.
but i know i'm going to love it. and if i don't, even for two seconds, i will never tell anyone, and i will make myself love just out of spite if i have to. i think i'm just worrying for no reason, but it's still worrying.
anyway, to appease my soul, i went out again. i received the second scratch of summer from my dog who became over-excited while i was wearing shorts and gave me nice one right down the front of my thigh. w/e.
i brought my camera and took a little over thirty pictures of all the images i will miss when i'm away. if worse comes to worse, i can blow them up and plaster them all over the walls and pretend. and i'm worried about getting a weird roommate...i felt better.

later i took my sister to her play rehearsal and went to uptown to read and drink delicious italian soda.
i'm still reading 'god shaped hole'.
it was one of the most awkward 30 minutes of my life.
while i was there they kept playing all these songs i knew and i would be singing along in my head, so my mind wasn't really on the book. 'how to save a life' came on. i don't know what it is about that song but i absolutely love it. it made me cry. thank god for fake tree decorations, because crying in general makes me feel like a silly ass and in public i come close to hating myself. i guess it's part of a vulnerability issue. i think, because it's the last official day of high school (ap tests don't count) everything that had been fermenting in my mind needed some release. it seems like in this year, nothing stayed the same. i'm going to michigan, which i really didn't think would happen, i don't have a boyfriend, my ipod is dead (it seems petty and stupid, i know, but im saddened), my last play for a long time ended in february, i got a job, youth group has a new leader, and my dad is selling his plane. it all seems so insignificant, but i guess it's just that, with so many big new changes coming faster than i realize, i don't need or want these small ones. i don't feel like this all the time, only when i'm in one of these weird moods, but it seems like life going into senior year was completely different than it was coming out, and it wasn't something i was prepared for.
all that from a coffee shop soundtrack.
it made the place seem very lonely, when normally it's one of my favorite haunts. it's probably the only reason i ever got into college. i could only write good admission essays when i was there.

i think everyone should venture out here for a bonfire this summer.
because i feel like it.

i feel like this has been kind of a debbie downer entry.
strangely enough im in a very good mood though.
the moral of the story is: be happy.
hooray.

that’s right sma. i was just needlessly loud and there’s nothing you can do about it because, haHA, i am done with your stupid school.

this has been an 'awkward jill' production.

thanks for listening.

2 more days, 2 more days, 2 more days....

2007-05-07T02:57:59Z

note to self: add 'poor innocent bunny' to list of personal roadkill.
damn.

3 more finals.
1 ap test.
tomorrow is monday.
i have films (turn in analysis paper and watch elf?) and microbio (present posters-bubonic plague anyone?...how about yellow fever?)
ap english is on tuesday, which is absolute bs. a final for an ap class is just a waste of time.

on friday i went to lhs's choir concert.
hahaha.
enough said.
mother's afterward was soo much fun. and very delicious. mmmmm.
we are so utterly obnoxious i almost can't handle it. key word being 'almost', but in the meantime i relish in it.
on my way home i stopped at mariott and chilled with my mom for an hour cuz i didn't feel like going home. i looked at u of m stuff on their computers and ate more mother's pizza.
i just remembered:
this is madness!
madness!?! THIS IS MOTHER'S!!!!!!
yes.

on saturday i went and saw romeo and juliet at hhs.
i was gonna go with my mom, but then she couldn't.
so i asked my sister:
me: kathleen, wanna go see romeo and juliet with me?
kathleen: no.
me: they set it in modern time.
kathleen: (sneering)so you can actually understand it?
me: exit DCS
so i went by myself. i put on my skinny jeans, '4 inch, camel colored, peep-toed, slingbacks' pulled up at howell high school, said 'hey world, check me out' and went in. i've become really comfortable with myself lately. like i'm fine with being alone. like, i love people, but deep inside me is a loner that longs to come out and play every now and again. however it didn't last long. i saw two friends and sat with them. one i've been in quite a few shows with, and the other has directed almost half the shows i've been in. i hadn't talked to them in awhile so it was fun.
let it be know that i despise romeo and juliet.
sure, i like romance as much as the next girl, but my tolerance for stupidity is unusually low. they are two of the stupidest people i have ever encountered, literary or other.
however, my friend ann played juliet and she was absolutely fantastic. she auditioned when i was in 'over the river' which she assistant directed, and the whole cast was as nervous and excited for her as she was. we pretty much partied down for 2 minutes before opening when she got it.
after the play i milled about at 5'11' and talked to the million people i knew who were in it. it was really fun to catch up with a lot of people i haven't seen in forever.

today i went to kathleen's violin concert.
it was really cute.
the end.

so, i'm reading this book: god-shaped hole.
i kind of have a love-hate relationship with it.
it's written alright, nothing unusually spectacular, but it seems to be based on cliches. like, of course he's a writer, of course she's freelance, of course they can't wait to move out of the city, of course she's an emotional train-wreck.
she hates her mother and has a sensitive nose.
whoop-de-doo.
she feels propelled by a uniqueness, that in fact, everyone contains, they just don't share it.
yet, i still feel compelled to finish it.
i'm like that with books.
it's an alright story and everything, i'm sure i'll still be entertained, but i feel so guilty when i start a novel and don't finish. like i'm dishonoring literature in general but not properly respecting one of it's children. even totally crappy books, i feel like it must be a part of someone, so maybe i should try to do it justice.
sorry.
i'm weird like that.
i will point out that she speaks the truth in chapter two: "but everyone falls in love with Holden Caulfield when they're sixteen"
personally i was caught between wanting to be him and wanting to bang him.
then i remembered Holden Caulfield the person does not exist.
only Holden Caulfield the feeling.
oh well.

thanks for listening.

3 more days.

2007-05-04T00:22:35Z

so.
this is me NOT studying for prob/stats.
EVER.
i hate that class.
i hate her.
the final is tomorrow.
thank you jesus.
i just need to come out with a C.
it looks quite promising.

i want my paycheck.
i have absolutely no money and i need some.
badly.
bleh.

so i was watching the ANIMANIACS today.
someone in my house borrowed dvds from the library.
it was absolutely amazing
i used to watch that show every single day when i was a kid.
it’s great.
one of the little sketches was slappy bunny, and her nephew or w/e has this huge stack of money and she says, you just paid for your college education. and he says: no college! i’m goin’ to VEGAS!
sweet.
wacko is my favorite. i wonder why he’s the only one with a british accent? i wonder if it matters?....nope.
so, when i was a kid, i never caught on to the fact that the pigeons were based off ‘goodfellas’. i got it this time around. it was so funny. they’re the ‘goodfeathers’. ha.

so at work yesterday, this older man came in and wanted a picture-frame type thing, just something to protect a picture so he could carry it around. he showed me the picture, and it was this really old black & white shot of this pretty woman. he told me it was his wife, and i guess she passed away. they had been married for 53 years and he was still so in love with her he carried her picture with him in his shirt pocket all day, and had another special framed one for his bedside every night. he said she was the best wife in the whole world, she did everything and was always wonderful, and that if every man could have a wife like her, the world wouldn’t have so many problems b/c everyone would be happier. i just wanted to give him a hug b/c it was the sweetest and most genuine thing i have ever heard. i want a guy like that, only say, 60 years younger....
then my mom popped in and brought me pad thai. mmmmm. it was soooo spicy and delicious.
it was a good day.

today i slept in hooray!
i woke up at 8 30, which isn’t really late, but i woke up naturally which was a glorious feeling.
finals were alright.
psych was stupid. it took like, 25 minutes. i literally did not study at all.
terrible.
w/e.
drama 2 was pretty good too.
we just had to write a one-act as our final, and then cast people in the class to perform them.
it’s all good.
2 down, 6 to go, plus one AP test.
of the 6, only 3 are actual tests, so i just have to finish my microbio poster-papers are done, yesss- write my film analysis paper -edward scissorhands yessss- and watch stupid spanish movie proyectos -popcorn, yessss.
bring it.

i’m actually excited for the film’s paper. i have a 99.23 (god forbid he give a 25 instead of 24.9 out of 25) and i’ve always done really well on my papers, so i’m not too worried about it. plus edward scissorhands has a crapload of stuff to talk about -*social commentary oooo*- so i’m thinking i’ll actually have a lot of fun doing it. i just need to actually do it....

so the choir concert is tomorrow.
i don’t know how i’m buying my ticket or gas to get there, but i know what shoes i’m wearing.
is that weird?
4 inch, peep-toed, camel-colored, sling-backs.
why?
b/c i feel like it.
damn straight.
i’m gonna be like, 5’11’’.
interesting.

k.
i’m going to watch more animaniacs.
you are so jealous.
but just to appease you, sing along:

it's time for animaniacs
and we're zany to the max
so just sit back and relax
you'll laugh till you collapse
we're animaniacs

come join the warner brothers
and the warner sister dot
just for fun we run around the warner movie lot
they lock us in the tower whenever we get caught
but we break loose...
and then vamoose...
and now you know the plot

we're animaniacs
dot is cute and yakko yaks
wakko packs away the snacks
while bill clinton plays the sax
we're Animaniacs

met pinky and the brain
who want to rule the universe
goodfeathers flock together,
slappy wacks 'em with her purse
buttons chases mindy
while rita sings a verse
the writers flipped
we have no script
why bother to rehearse

we're An-i-man-i-acs
we have play for play contracts
we're zany to the max
there's baloney in our slacks
we're animanee-
totally insaney
here's the shows namey (personal fav: chicken chow-maney)
animaniacs
those are the facts!

you know you love it.

this was a long one.

thanks for listening.

april and may, are you ok?

2007-04-23T03:20:23Z

hey guys.
remember me?
its been, mmmm, mucho time since the last one.
lots of stuff has gone on.
a. lot.
but if it wasn't motivating enough to post, then im probably over it.
whatever.

prom is friday.
im excited.
it should be a good time.
i finally have this dance thing right for my last one. im doing my own hair, nails, makeup, etc. my dress was free, and i am wearing my vans dammit. i will so contradict myself in a poofy green cinderella dress by topping of the ensemble with scruffy checkered shoes. at $110 a pop, i am going to make it worth the while. im feeling very low-key and unstressed about the whole deal. it'll be fun.
and if its not,
there's the rave.
schwing.

i got in to u of m nursing which is kind of old news, but they invited me to apply for honors nursing which would be wonderful. an extra $2000 a year plus better classes and more connections. they also invited me to apply for a nursing scholarship and i guess im on a scholarship list, min. $1500. i need this money so bad. im really glad my dad has resigned to letting me go there without a fight. itll be a lot easier now.
anyway, speaking of money i got a job. 'hospital gift shop this is jillian'. it's so random but w/e. $7/hr for ringing up pops and doing homework is alright for me. i'm working for my uncle again this summer too, so that'll be good. word on the street is college is expensive...
i got up at 5 30 today. am. not pm. dang.
it was the only time i would have to jog, so i did, and it was dark out and creepy but pretty cool at the same time. like, i saw one car at the beginning but then the rest of the time it was like my own private world. i was just jogging -slooowly- as the sun rose and it was all very cool to watch. there weren't any clouds except this one streak that looked gold on a pink sky. it reminded me of harry potter's scar. weird.
my ipod is dead. i miss you terribly tv-tott.
so when i jog, i have this oldschool walkman that has radio and cassette. the first time i used it, it wouldn't pick up any of my stations so i listened to 93.5 whmi. huh. let me tell you, im sure 'tequila sunrise' has its place in the world, but its not very motivating. since then its been elvis costello, but today it was nada. i had it clipped on my shorts, headphones on my neck, but just never put it on. it was a very contemplative jog-a little time to digest life.
soo....i want school to be over.
i'll stop there before it turns into a horrifying rant.

i guess that's all.
maybe not.
im sure ill wake up in the middle of the night with something else.
w/e.

thanks for listening.

i laughed myself to sleep

2007-01-21T04:21:11Z

so the mini girls' night was a good time.
kelly ('i have a five...')
janine ('no, they look sad')
and i went to
applebees ('grandfather, can't we settle this conflict w/o anger?')
and then saw
night at the museum ('ya got it hopscotch?').
i was really surprised, it was really funny and i didn't think it would be.

zomg.
i have contacts!
*hooray*
im sooo happy.
i can finally be in a play and seeee everything.
antigone was the worst, chuck wasn't as bad, but im glad i can do over the river being able to see everyone.
ha.
the doctor guy put this yellow stuff in my eyes so he could see something or other, but they made me cry, so i had these yellow tears that left streaks down my face. it was pretty funny.
so i sit down for a woman to teach me how to put them in and junk, and i pop them in right away. she's like, wow, have you ever worn these before? "no." have you ever tried someone else's on? "nope." are you sure? "...yeah." so then i have to be able to take them out again and i pop them out no problem. she said, are you really sure you've never done this before? it was fun.
im so happy i don't have to look at the world through black frames anymore.

on the way home, listening to 89x, i heard 'when your heart stops beating'.
haha.
it reminded me of our christmas party at janine's, tre and i rode together and there were cars everywhere and it was dark and rainy but we were interpretive dancing with the windows down anyway, and that's the only song i can remember from that drive.
man. good times in the olds.

'it's times like these you learn to love again'

thanks for listening.

why do we waste our time growing up?

2007-01-15T04:08:14Z

ah the power of the boy band.

i most definitely pulled out some old music yesterday.
really old.
i totally revisited the backstreet boys and nsync like i haven't done since 4th grade.
it was so much fun.
yet, very disconcerting.
you should probably try it.

i've decided i have a love/hate relationship with these three-day weekends.
they allow me another day to sleep in, but it's also another day for me to procrastinate like a mother. i wish i was more motivated to do homework. i honestly don't know what my problem is. i did a little sociology -haha- and prob/stats and then just kinda stopped. i feel like such a slacker, but not enough to do anything about it. strike that. i do want to do something about, just always *tomorrow*. ha.

so i bought my mom the james blunt cd for her birthday in august, and she still listens to it all the time -which makes me happy but anyway- it was on in her car and on the 'you're beautiful' song that EVERYbody knows and EVERYbody wishes would just shrivel up and die, there's the little intro and then he sings 'my life is brilliant'. but then there's more intro music and it sounds like he effed up and started too early, but you know they would have fixed it if it was a mistake. i guess he just really wants to emphasize that his life is brilliant. hopefully he thinks its a good trade-off for never getting the girl.
if i had to say that my life is one word, i don't know what it would be.
that was the whole point of that tirade.

so now i'm going to go watch a movie -i wish i owned donnie darko- and eat a clementine and i might just finish the clementine before the movie is over, b/c im so ocd about the little white things on the side and have to pick them off. cheerio.

thanks for listening.

"i feel like you're self medicating"

2007-01-14T05:47:22Z

hahaha
what a week.
como se dice 'mother friggin long' en espanol?
i can't sleep at night.
i can't wake up in the morning.
i am not self medicating, im just getting back into routine thank you very much. lol.

so, the skipper has another flat tire.
stupid car.
pfft.

i need to get out of my house so badly.
like, it is an absolute necessity.
my father and i are at a point where we both need me to be gone.
we rarely talk, and when we do it's either pointless or makes me want to kick something.
he constantly wants me to act like an adult but won't let me. when he talks to me he's either relentlessly sarcastic or talking to me like im five. i can't even stand to be around him. it's a little sad. he'll say stuff like 'why can't you just wait until you're 18 in college'. i hope he knows i take that as his permission to leave and never look back. and my poor mom is the mediator between us and she sees how bad it is. she hopes it will get better once im away, but i don't know. like everyone else she just tells me to 'keep playing the game'. i am so sick of this game.

on a lighter note:
the rest of my life is pretty nice.
haha.
my show is coming up *come see it* hooray.
however, the first weekend is the same as solo/ensemble, so that'll be rough, and the second is valentine's dance.
speaking of dances, which reminds me of dresses, i have a little black one that i really want to wear so someone should probably have a fun party or something. lol.

ha. on friday after rehersal the cast and director, ad, etc. went to cleary's for 'tablework'/bonding time. thomas, who plays the lead guy, went and picked up his girlfriend to bring her. hahahaha. every possible obnoxious line was said to this poor girl who has no idea what goes on in this show. hahahaha.
it was like meeting someone's very obnoxious family; we had it all planned before they got there. great fun.
bah. so not looking forward to 80s hair.

such is life.

thanks for listening.

you only hold me up like this 'cause you don't know who i really am

2006-11-14T02:42:20Z

ah life.
you hit me like a ton of bricks today.
like always.
so much going on.
so little time.
the story of my life, and everyone elses.
just different names and faces.
you understand what im talking about, you're being pulled in about 15 different directions at once and you don't know who to deal with first and how to do it, but somehow you manage. you always do, no matter how much you hate it. you make it work because it has to. this is just about everyone i know. you all hear this.
and god bless you for it.

right now i want to tell you about daysha harper.

today the usual early morning children were in the hall, but there were fewer of us that usual (monday...) and daysha came in and it was the usual -hey good morning-. for some reason all of us in the hall had a communal conversation about college. i just said something about u of m and wondering and stuff and went back to my locker. daysha comes up behind me and says 'ya know what when you're done getting your stuff we're gonna pray'. and we did. she took my hands and she prayed for me right there, out loud, just standing in the hallway. she prayed for me and college and any other concerns and she thanked god for what he blessed me with. it was so absolutely amazingly sweet and thoughtful. i feel like god sent her to give me exactly what i needed at that moment. it was such a nice minute of peace in an otherwise semi-hectic day, in a week that's only going downhill. something to think about anyway.

contemplation and a lot of it, but it's the action that makes the most difference.

thanks for listening.

another cog in the murder machine

2006-11-03T21:34:29Z

so last night i was reading in bed. it was five and i fell asleep. i was totally out. i don't even know why. anyway i woke up at 9 thinking it was today, but it was dark out...genius that i am i decided to go back to sleep. i woke up this morning at seven after 14 hours of sleep. fourteen. FOURTEEN. that's a lot. a lot a lot.
survivor is a pretty good book.
you should probably read it.
according to fertility hollis, there is no chaos.
there are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. patterns hidden by patterns. patterns within patterns.
i like it.

i went to the dentist today.
i hate the dentist.
not the man, just dentistry.
i don't like it at all.
because everyone else loves it right?
anyway i left and my gums were swollen. thats never happened before. my mouth still hurts.
bleh.

anyway.
kathleen and i are watching free willy.
i used to love this movie so much.
i thought the kid was cute.
i just realized the foster dad, glen, is mr. blond in reservoir dogs.
ha.
he's nicer here.
i want a whale.
sigh.

if movie is not success, i will be execute.

its been snowing on and off all day. im not ready for it yet. i want autumn. oh well.
at least i don't have to work the auction.
ever.
yesterday's half day was so nice.
i love food.
haha. half day lunches are so fun.
goodness.

thanks for listening.

jillian30 @ 2006-10-08T12:43:00

2006-10-09T03:01:38Z

i'm defective.

"you cant stop our love" dr. house

2006-09-28T23:30:28Z

i love that show.
its my new addiction.
and arrogant jerk has never been so hilarious.

so.
i had mashed potatoes for breakfast yesterday.
cookies today.
add 2 cups of coffee to both and feel the epitome of health.
yes.

so wednesday was the first chuck rehearsal.
dancing.
sigh.
i was a good distraction.
and i can handle it.
amazing.
but i am bruised.
and have another pair of melted pants.
i was worth it for sure.

today i read the announcements.
hahahaha.
that is all.

mmmm.
i don't really know what else to say.
'lobye.

thanks for listening.

happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime too

2006-09-23T23:01:39Z

(punk rock)

amazement.

so thursday, tre met me at uptown coffeehouse and it was a party.
"no jill, we did not catch ABBA."
then we went to dairy queen.
then i picked up my sister.

it was a good night.

zomg.
im snoopy.
yay!
i am so excited. i haven't been in a musical since freshmen year and i've never been in one with lhs. it should be great.
read-through is monday.

but before monday is marian rally. mmm yuck?
and i forgot my school shoes in my locker. thank goodness i haven't thrown away last years, or so much for full uniform. i really hope everyone comes. we need this.

can i just tell you i really love my dog?
i was kind of bored-depressed and he came up with his bone and put his head in my lap. so i petted him, said thank you and he laid at my feet. good boy.

so it's raining. it's very pretty and calming.
wish you were here.

thanks for listening.

it's a fine day, just to escape from a bad dream...

2006-09-21T21:44:12Z

....
tomorrow is friday thank goodness.
i hope to god the cast list will be posted.
i am so nervous.
people tell me not to be, that i'm fine.
but i have been nervous all day.
with that butterflies-in-the-stomach-anticipation feeling all day.
hmmmmmmm.

so it was 39 degrees when i left the house this morning.
that is very cold.
i wore pants and a hoodie.
it's only september.

bleh.
put it on a sandwich.

i'm taking my sister to her play rehearsal in approx....half an hour.
meaning i can go sit in a coffee shop downtown and study there.
heart.
the atmosphere is so nice. i love it and i get more done.
it's not the creepy quiet of a library, but there's other people reading or working or talking.
last time i saw this girl sitting with her family and then her english teacher came in. it was fun watching and listening to her try to decide whether or not to say hi or pretend she didn't see him. i also heard these two girls talking about one of their trips to texas and the debate she had with a man over slavery.
i love getting little glimpses into people's lives like that.
it's like: i don't know you, i don't know your name, age, situation, opinions, i will probably never see you again, but i know that you feel just as awkward as me seeing teachers outside the context of school, or i know that you're opinionated and like to be just as obnoxious with your friends as i do.
it makes me think that everyone is not always so different after all.
kinda nice every now and then.

and you can take that to the bank.

thanks for listening.

this is what i brought you, this you can keep.

2006-09-19T22:58:56Z

mmmm. today is tuesday, yes?
it's about six thirty. i got home half an hour ago.
long day.
after school was auditions for 'you're a good man charlie brown'.
they went alright.
that is all.

so.
i'm applying to u of m.
i encounter a question.
i call them, but they are closed.
i go online, get a decent enough answer.
go to apply. oh wait. no credit card.
she is out.
i have to wait again.
i just want to get it out and over with.
grr.

mmm. my lunch spilled in the microwave again today.
but it wasn't bad and i cleaned it up.
unlike last year.
britney andrews.
pfft.

i drove myself in today.
it was lonely.

i am very tired.
but only 'sleepy' tired.
i'm not sick of the school year yet.
college-yes. school-not yet.
i guess because im on stuco this year and i have to put a lot more work in, i really appreciate everything. now it pisses me off when people complain or say our stuff sucks or don't participate. even though i used to be one of them, im sorry. i wish they could know all the planning that has to go into even the littlest things. maybe im just determined to be optimistic to spite the people drowning me in negativity.

this is a call for help.
my lj needs beautification.
desperately.
assistance? please?

"what's left to lose. you've done enough. and if you fail well then you fail but not to us. and these last three years, i know they've been hard. but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun. even if it's alone." -the format
my friends: i love you. you all mean so much to me. you are never alone. thank you. <3

thanks for listening.

when you laugh you give it away

2006-09-18T02:06:09Z

im feeling quote-y.
quote-alicious even.
"sisters and friends are God's life preservers." -anonymous
true that.
friends anyway.
maybe my sisters and i will grow into it.
maybe.

yesterday the bonfire was one little piece of amazement.
it was so good to laugh that hard and long with everyone i love the most.
everybody made it. such a happiness. best friends and their boys plus jenny + bf, conor + alaina.
it was so amazing to not think about anything but the fun we were having, the obnoxious and random. a relaxing few hours to forsake college, homework, stuco, and everything.
it was nice.
and then claire and kelly and i had a sleepover. crashing at five is utterly necessary every now and then.
i am too ticklish for my own good.

i love you jeff.

so today i went to youth group.
i didn't really like it.
8-12 is too much.
kerry came. and so did all her friends.
you could smell the immaturity.
i felt like i wasted 2 hours. i had other stuff to do.
i can only handle so much talk of disney and steve erwin-rip-when i have stuff to do.

ugh. school tomorrow.
its actually not that bad. difficulty wise.
i just hate doing jack shit in 3hrs of religion.
i don't get very much from interpreting languages made up in 5 minutes.
she's such a hobbit.
i have proclaimation oct 5th.
any suggestions?

anyway. compliments of mr. coleman, some quotes to live by:
"keep thy mouths shut."
"at one point, i was probably the most handsome man in the world...now im probably 2nd or 3rd."
"i thought about being a priest...for all of 4 and a half minutes."

thanks for listening.

oh the stories we've been told

2006-09-16T21:22:29Z

so today.
i woke up and it was instantly just a very weird day.
i thought about a lot of random stuff.
stuff i don't like to think about.
like when there was this party at the airport my dad use to keep his plane at. they had music and food and stuff. my aunt an cousins came b/c it was by their house. i absolutely refused to dance with my father. i was probably like 10 or so. i wouldn't do it.
this morning it hit me and i really regretted it.
maybe because we never talk.
maybe subconsciously i think if i would have danced we would have a relationship. or a better one.
i thought about what i could be if i practiced piano more, sang more, studied harder, dedicated myself to something fully and completely. i could be great.
i thought about all the times i look in the mirror and hate myself. thinking if only i was skinnier, shorter, taller, cuter, prettier, had even teeth and eyebrows. usually its skinnier.
but then i hate myself for hating myself and the cycle begins.
and then comes the time when i drank this shit so i would throw up. it worked. and then i just went to church like nothing happened, scared receiving the eucharist, hoping it had worn off. trying not to think about the hour i had spent next to the toilet shaking in disgust of myself.
at least i didn't want to throw up jesus.
it's time for me to apply to college.
i'm finally given the opportunity to grow up and i'm staring it in the face, balking.
i'm scared shitless.
and nothing anyone says is going to make it easier.
i want to hold on to something but i know i have to do it alone. it has to be mine.
my senior pictures were today.
they went well.
it was strange hearing 'now smile' as this stuff was running circles through my brain.
but you'll never see it.
because i smiled.
i'm going to claire's bonfire tonight.
it'll be fun.
jeff is coming.
thanks for listening.

hola

2005-03-23T01:53:06Z

so this was one of the most confusing things of my computer challenged life. lol. spring break officially start @ 12 09 tomorrow. im so excited. i don't know why. it's not like im going anywhere other than howell. haha. so today jv softball went to macaroni grill or something for a unity. sigh. good food...oh and the meeting, yeah that was good too. congrats to captains!!! go kyla + erica. we better have good music this year. what else happened today...um...nothing. well we got an extra day off-YAY-because of a fundraiser that i have yet to participate in...so...anybody want to buy some raffle tickets?...anywhoo. besides some stupid things, i am feeling surprisingly happy except for stupid junk on saturday that's happening thanks to mom. oh well. i got to go wash my car cuz spider man's coming to get me. wow. don't ask. ever.